The Blessing of Carter

Our little guy is now 3 months old. I'm amazed at how quickly he is changing and how big he is getting! He even started teething the other day! That has been a fun new adventure ... : )

We call him our blessing from God because there is not a doubt in my mind he was meant to be with us. Did I always think this? No, I doubted when I was first diagnosed why God would choose to put him in this horrible situation of a crappy cancer mess. I was then quickly reminded of ALL of the moments in his adoption story that could only have been made possible by God! And who am I to doubt God?! It is clear that Satan wanted me to doubt this situation along with everything God has done and can do. I now know without a shadow of a doubt that he was supposed to be with us for a reason! God chose us to be his parents and it wasn't by mistake!

I have tried to work through this situation several times in my head to try and best understand God's timing. Is that a waste of my time? Possibly, but maybe not :)

You first have to know that Carter was born 6 weeks early. If he had been born 2- 3 weeks later we would have known about the melanoma and likely had no other choice but to step away from the adoption process altogether. That in itself gives me goose bumps to know God's timing is perfect. The adoption process is not an easy or quick process and it was something we had poured our time, sweat and tears in to over the last 5 months. If Carter had been born 2-3 weeks later, my hopes and dreams of ever being a mom would have been pushed to the side, possibly forever. If Carter had been born 2-3 later it would have seemed like the entire adoption process was a waste and my dreams of ever becoming a mom washed down the drain. If Carter had been born 2-3 weeks later I can say with a great deal of certainty that I would have fallen in to a pretty deep depression. Again, God’s timing is perfect. Now, I realize you may be reading this and thinking of how selfish that is of me to want to bring him in to this situation and yes I hate that this sweet little boy has been thrust into this cruel world with his mom dealing with cancer. But I know he is well taken care of, he has grandparents that just can't get enough of him, a community that adores him and bajillion other people who love and support him more than he will ever know.

Because I have Carter, I am forced to get out of bed every day. This may sound easy to the typical person however with the amount of pain I have some days combined with lack of energy, this task becomes much more difficult. Without carter it would be easy to stay in bed all day and waste my day away watching the Game Show Network. Because of Carter I am forced to carry on my day, caring for him and his basic needs, a very purposeful and meaningful occupation at a time when I’ve lost so many of my regular purposeful and meaningful occupations. I have to put his needs above my own and I’m working hard to shield him from feeling the effects of this crappy cancer mess. I would be lying if I said this was easy. There are some days Carter gets extra time with his Nana, who loves him so much, so I can rest. There are some days the thought of getting off the couch to go make another bottle sounds exhausting. But because of my situation I rejoice more in the times I don’t have pain, when taking care of him seems easy and when I get to truly relish in being his mother.

Because I have Carter, I smile and laugh on a daily basis. He gave me some belly laughs the other day for the first time and I was convinced that was the best medicine for me that day :) The joy that he can bring me with just a simple smile is indescribable. Because I have Carter I get to be a mom. This may be the greatest of them all  Now I wish I could be a mom with lots of energy but we all have things we wish we could change. I am trying to be the best mom I can be within my circumstances. Becoming a mom is something I have always longed for and I am so grateful that I finally get to experience it. It may seem to the outsider that it sure did come at a crappy time but I am convinced more and more each day that it couldn’t have come at a better time. Carter is our blessing given to us at just the perfect time in the midst of a crappy cancer mess. Trust in God’s timing. It is difficult to give up control but at the same time it can be the most freeing thing you can do. When you relinquish control you may be surprised at how much better God’s plan and timing are, far better than you could ever have imagined.

Psalm 27:14 Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

Psalm 37:7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him.