COMMUNICATING WITH FAMILY OF A PERSON GOING THROUGH A SERIOUS ISSUE:

I am the Mom of Dori, Blythe, and Erin, and they asked me to write a guest blog on this issue. First let me say how proud I am of all my children and their spouses—I am truly blessed to be able to call them family!! They face issues directly and head on—much different than I sometimes do.

I have been in the family of an ill person several times in my life.

I have thought about how I relate to people during Dori's illness, because I wish I could be more receptive to people when I am hurting—I tend to want to go inward and run from people. I do know that when I encounter families of people with illnesses in the future that I want to learn from my present situation so that I can respond to others better in the future. Here is what I am learning from this situation:

1. Everyone is different and responds differently—and sometimes I respond differently from day to day depending on how tired I am. So I don't always know how I will respond when people ask about Dori or our family.

2. It is good to ask the spouse how they are doing—Dori's husband is carrying a load of being a new father, full time employee, caring husband, and trying to pick up tasks that Dori has done—he is doing a tremendous job with all of these, but it is a heavy load.

3. People ask out of concern and mean well —it is not the time to connect with people you are not close to—and people who just want to be in on the latest news will not be welcome!

4. The people I respond to best don't say a lot and they don't give me reasons for the illness or say how there is a good reason for everything—they just give me a hug and tell me they care or they ask what they can do for Dori and her family—and they certainly pray but they also provide tangible help for this young family whose life has changed dramatically. Some people may want to talk a lot about the situation, but I don't talk a lot to most people—and I choose the people I want to share information with—and they are the people who say little and just listen—my dance friend who frequently texts me asking what she can do and to let me know she cares; my neighbor who comes over and says “Here is some food and I just want to give you a hug”; my neighbor who puts a great-smelling flower in my home while they take care of my cats to let me know that spring is coming; my dance teacher who says to the dance team, “don't ask her a lot of questions, just give her a quick hug and tell her you are glad to see her”; or my neighbor who just came and helped me shovel my driveway (he didn't ask me any questions, he just showed up and started shoveling along side me).

5. Please don't say you know how I feel unless you have encountered a similar situation. An aunt of my late husband expressed it best when she said, “I thought I understood what you were experiencing, but I didn't, because when I left your home, my life returned to normal. Yours didn't!”

6. Sometimes I just want to talk about normal things and like it when I can talk to a friend about things we have always talked about before illness took center stage.

7. How much friends who care are appreciated during a time of family illness, and your care and concern are so appreciated—how I wish I could respond as I would like—but sometimes I just feel too raw to respond at all without crying. So please don't feel offended if I don't return calls or if I am tense. I do so appreciate your prayers and care for our family!